Months before I entered my 23rd year of life I secretly decided that it would be a good one. I made a mental note of all the dreams and promises that I wanted to see come into pass, and how. God was going to bless me and it was going to be glorious and grand, the perfect way to celebrate my Golden Year!

I quickly realized how selfish my heart was. No, that’s not what I wanted- I mean yes it was, but it really wasn’t. What I really wanted was for Him to move. I wanted to set this Golden Year apart for God so I said yes… you can do whatever you want with me this year, God.

I went to receive prayer at the Exodus for my birthday and my brother-in-law gave me a word that would later define my Golden Year. This year God will teach you how to serve. It might not come naturally, he said, but God will make you a leader through serving. I didn’t think too much about the word because 1) it didn’t sound fun and 2) I thought I already knew what it meant to serve (embarrassing, I know!).

Oh, but God was so serious when He spoke through my brother. God’s kingdom is so upside down, He WOULD make my GOLDEN YEAR about serving. Knowing that didn’t necessarily make things easier, though. I broke down so many times throughout this season asking God WHY?! and if He really knew what He was doing. I wondered how far He could and would stretch my heart (phew, I’m still alive!).

I am so so thankful for the voice of the Lord and His leading. Without His words there IS no life. Every time I was on the verge of bitterness He spoke to remind me that He was near to the broken hearted and that this momentary light affliction was creating in me this eternal weight of glory. Wow, of COURSE I want that God, you know I do! And so after each breakdown (and there were many) He picked me up and again we pressed on, together. But still, I wondered.

Last week I listened to a message by Stuart Greaves titled The Beauty of Jesus as the Servant of All and suddenly everything made sense. Stuart Greaves spoke about Jesus’ heart, His character, and how everything He does comes out of a place of humility. Jesus came to serve the world, me and you, and He’s coming back to do it again. When He returns He is coming to RULE and REIGN over all the nations, but in humility and through serving. Great, so what does this have to do with me?

I’m His beloved, His bride, the one He desires. Jesus is inviting me in this season, in this GOLDEN YEAR to come and learn from Him, to partner with Him so that my heart will be like His. I want to be a bride who is ready and equipped, evenly yoked with my Jesus so that I can reign with Him in the ages to come. Oh but I must learn to do things His way, to let go of my rights and to serve.

Wow, what a privilege! Once this revelation hit I felt so humbled and SO honored to be learning His ways in my Golden Year. Really, what a privilege!! You really did know what You were doing, Jesus. Thank you for Your kindness, for taking me through this time of testing to make pure my heart so that I would be as GOLD.

Oh! This year was indeed glorious and SO grand, the perfect way to celebrate my Golden Year.

Wait, don’t look back. The best is yet to come and the wholeness, the fullness of life is still to be lived. Oh, those promises you’ve been waiting for will come. Believe, I am all you need and there is nothing good apart from me. No, nothing good apart from me.

So I will wait here for a new song. I will wrestle with you until we figure it out, cus I know there’s breakthrough with you.

I forget why I’m here sometimes, but today you reminded me so well. Thank you for your wisdom, Jesus- your leadership is perfect.

I wish it mattered like it mattered before. Back then the sound of rain was a sign, a promise, something I desperately held on to. I remember sitting in my apartment, the one we were renting for just that summer. Everything was temporary- we were subletting from these other girls and none of the furniture were ours. It was 3am in the morning and I was the only one awake in the house… again. I sat in the living room, in the corner where two couches met and pulled my knees up to give my journal a place to rest. All the lights were off and the whole living room would have been pitch black if it wasn’t for the streak of moonlight shining down through the sliding glass doors. I remember sitting there, right where the light hit, sitting and resting, sitting and thinking. I had so much on my mind those days and being around people only made things a bit more intense. I loved late nights where I could be alone- this was my escape, just me and God. But there, even there, I felt trapped and suffocated. Everything was so abstract and my feeble attempt to make sense of everything that just..didn’t, wore me out. I needed something. so desperately.

Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you graze your flock, where you rest them at noon; for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?

Oh, come quickly.

There she will sing as in the days of her youth…